Fight for Love Author Q&A
Whenever I spoke to groups of women on the topic of compulsive porn use in marriage, I always felt bad driving away knowing I had just opened a giant can of worms and left hurting wives with dozens of unanswered questions. There were so many things that I felt would be useful, comforting, validating and empowering for wives to hear, but there simply wasn’t enough time to explain everything. It’s all very well telling a woman that she needs to take a firm stance, but what she really wants to know is “How do I do that?” And then there is that nagging question, “How can I take a firm stand against porn when it means going against my husband?”
Now, when a woman confides in me that porn is a struggle in her marriage, I can give her this book and feel satisfied that I have equipped her with a good baseline of knowledge and with enough explanation to empower and equip her to take effective action. My whole goal is to prevent wives from having to learn the truth about what porn can do to a marriage the hard way, slowly and painfully.
I wrote this book for women who are tired of feeling rejected, inadequate and used because of their husband’s porn use. Women who need to hear that their longing for emotional connection, their desire to feel cherished and adored, their hope for a truly monogamous marriage and their need to feel valued and heard are not naïve or unrealistic. Women who refuse to accept that this is all Jesus has for them.
My hope is that this book:
- Gives hope to the woman whose husband has forsaken her in favor of porn
- Comforts the woman who believes her husband would stop if he really loved her
- Educates the woman who thinks porn is harmless
- Reassures the woman who feels that it is her fault
- Empowers women to take proactive, biblically sound action to reclaim their marriage
- Breaks the shame of women who struggle themselves
- Wakes up parents to the growing problem of porn addiction amongst girls
- Provides a baseline of knowledge for all women whether personally affected or not
- Equips leaders in the church to give good advice
The main misconceptions that I hear about porn addiction are:
- It’s my fault.
- He wouldn’t do it if he really loved me.
- I can compete with porn; I just need to try harder.
- Porn is harmless.
- Porn addiction isn’t a real thing.
- I need to get over myself and lower my expectations; everyone does it.
- A porn-free marriage is unrealistic.
The danger of these misconceptions is that they lead to wives to futilely flip-flopping between trying to compete with porn and pretending that it isn’t really affecting their marriage. Both of these strategies actually make things worse, by enabling the hook of addiction to sink in further and preventing husbands from experiencing the natural consequences of their sin.
Porn is the quiet killer of families, slowly and progressively destroying trust and intimacy between mothers and fathers. Studies have proven that the longer porn is present in a marriage, the unhappier both spouses become. Going by current divorce rates, obsessive porn use contributes to half a million divorces a year. And then there’s the effect on the children. Even if kids are not exposed to the risks associated with accidentally stumbling across porn as a direct result of a parent’s habit, they are still indirectly impacted by the marital conflict it causes. By encouraging a wife to undertake early intervention, this book will help her not only protect her marriage but also her children.
Firstly, I would validate her fear and say her instinct to be cautious and selective with whom she shares is a good one. With all the misconceptions and misinformation out there, the last thing she needs is to share with someone who knows nothing about porn addiction who may inadvertently shame or blame her. I would advise any woman who finds herself in this situation to do some research and find someone in person, or online, who has experience dealing with porn addiction. She needs to find someone who can hear her without judgment, give her sound advice and hopefully connect her with other women going through the same thing. As soon as she finds her tribe of people who “get” it, everything will change for her.
Educating yourself with the facts is a great way to loosen the grip of shame. But its power over you will only be fully broken when you begin to share your struggles with others and experience the grace and acceptance of God through them. This “walking in the light” is true biblical fellowship in action. And nothing is more healing than sitting in a room full of nice, normal women who are going through exactly the same thing as you. The amazing thing about the power of recovery fellowship is that those who start out utterly crippled by shame often end up being the boldest about sharing their stories.
My hope is that women come away convinced that the only faithful and effective way to deal with porn in their marriage is to take a firm stance of zero tolerance, and the sooner the better. Chapter by chapter, I hope they experience a growing sense of hope and anticipation as the fears, lies and misconceptions that have held them back are dismantled and corrected. Above all, this is a book about inspiring women to trust in God, pick up their swords and go fight for their marriages under his authority, through his strength, by obeying his Word.
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